i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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