i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Shame - the story of my life.
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