Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
