True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
