i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
