well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
