Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
