Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
did you just send me my own nude
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
