I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
