The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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