I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
