After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
