youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
