I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
