I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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