It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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