There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
