I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
