So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
