Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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