This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
