it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
