Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you. Go after that dick
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