hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
