I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's never too late to be topless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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