She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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