I think I won the penis lottery.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
