then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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