When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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