sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
