who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I need water and some morals
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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