I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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