Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
