Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
