god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
