I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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