Apparently you make a good broom.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
