You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
