Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
