Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
