alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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