He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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