Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
