All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
