her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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