she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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