i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
