Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
