my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
