i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
